Why Do Onions Make You Cry?

Of all the vegetable mysteries – right up there with ‘what sick idiot invented the parsnip?’ and ‘why does sweetcorn hurt so much when you try to put it in your bottom?’ – is the everlasting conundrum of ‘why do onions make you cry?’.

We’ve all been there before. One minute you’re chopping up some onions for a lovely plate of onion tea, and the next you’re wailing and blubbering like a Jeremy Kyle pikey. But why? Some scientists say that onions make you cry because the volatile amino acid sulfoxide molecules that they absorb during their time growing underground are released upon chopping, acting as an external irritant to the lachrymal glands above our eyelids, but this is clearly false.

No. The latest research has discovered that there are actually three reasons why onions make you cry, and we’re happy to present them to you, our loyal readers, right now…

1 – SARCASM

In France, the onion is known as le peu sarcastique salaud, or ‘the sarcastic little bastard’. Widely regarded as the most sarcastic of all the vegetables, the onion will often launch a volley of withering abuse at the person about to eat it, without any real regard for their feelings. Usually we’re able to deflect the onion’s outbursts, but sometimes if we’re having a particularly bad day – say, a bus splashes us with a puddle or midget tries to stab us – then the onion’s hurtful remarks will get to us and we’ll start to cry. This is also the reason why the French can usually be seen with onions around their necks. The vegetables act as a constant reminder of their status as second-class citizens.

2 – GUILT

All vegetables are renowned for their self-pity, but the onion is the worst offender. Try chopping an onion and it’ll usually remind you, in heartbreaking detail, of all the dire consequences that’ll happen to its family after it dies. The guilt that these pleas initiate are usually enough to make any chef burst into tears at the futility of it all and the barbarity of the human race. Carrots try a similar trick. But why don’t you cry when you chop a carrot? Because all carrots are wankers, that’s why.

3 – THEIR SMELLY FARTS

Sometimes onions fart. And the farts smell like shit.

We hope you have found this scientific explanation enlightening. If you’ve stumbled across this website because you’re a child studying why onions make you cry for your homework, then copy all of this down. All of it is true. Especially the bit about carrots being wankers.