GROW YOUR OWN DRUGS: Artichokes
Hi, I’m that berk from BBC2’s informative series Grow Your Own Drugs. I’ve temporarily forgotten what my name is. Sorry.
I want people to know just how easy, fun and cost-effective it can be to make your own natural remedies from the plants growing all around us. I’m not a doctor and can’t claim to have any real medical knowledge whatsoever, but a mysterious wizard once gave me a handful of magic beans when I was on the cusp of puberty and – roughly six months later – I started to develop hair on my armpits and testicles. Coincidence? No.
Anyway, through my show Grow Your Own Drugs I’ve discovered that some of the active ingredients commonly found in artichokes are exactly the same active ingredients you’d find in a normal pair of prescription reading glasses that you could expect to spend up to £200 on. So here’s my easy and natural solution to curing short-sightedness with artichokes.
YOU WILL NEED:
An artichoke.
STEP ONE:
Push the artichoke into your eye.
STEP TWO:
Keep pushing. Push the artichoke all the way into your eye until only there’s only about half an inch of artichoke stem poking out of the bleeding hole where your eye used to be.
And that’s it! Voila, you’ve got perfect vision!
Now, remember, this isn’t a clinical trial. You shouldn’t push an entire artichoke into your eye if you’re elderly, diabetic, married, ginger, under the age of four, allergic to beestings, homosexual, a member of parliament, university educated or Nicky Campbell from TV’s Watchdog.
Similarly, although one drunk homeless man might have told me after payment that pushing an artichoke through his eye socket and up against the inside of the back of his skull did make his eyesight better, other guinea pigs have mentioned that their vision remained the same after trying my remedy, with a few more suggesting that their vision had got considerably worse, another developing severe epilepsy and four more dying instantly.
But remember, I’m not a a doctor. I’m an ethnobotanist. I think. I’m not sure if ethnobotany is even a thing now I come to mention it. There’s a good chance that I might have just made it up, actually.
Anyway, push an artichoke into your eye. Bye!
