One fine summers day Tom Ato and his lovely wife, Juliet and little daughter, Cherry went for a lovely picnic.
Whilst they were making their way home they had to pass through a rough part of town when out of the shadows came a very intimidating looking lettuce.
Tom was immediately worried as he recognised the lettuce as Nick, a local thug – one of the leaders of a radical racist group – the Broccoli Nazi Posse – who were wholly opposed to the use of tomatoes (“Fruits”) being served with vegetables.
They began walking a little faster and they noticed an onion and chili come around another corner;
It was clear that Tom and his family were in grave danger and he pleaded with them to let his wife and daughter go but they wouldn’t listen, they acted under the strict orders left by Bertie Broccoli, the founder of the BNP to eradicate all tomatoes that they came across.
Nick, the ignorant lettuce, left Red, the onion, and Tony, the chili, to “take care” of the Ato Family. (“Take Care” in the mafia sense of the phrase)
Tragedy ensued and Tom and Juliet met a gory end.
(readers of a sensitive disposition should look away now)
The time came to kill Cherry, but they couldn’t do it, they couldn’t kill a child.
Poor Cherry.
She witnessed this terrible carnage, the coldblooded murder of her parents. She was alone in the world. This bloodbath severely affected young Cherry and she went on to be a serial killer in later life. Like that girl in American Psycho 2.
Moral: The BNP are nasty, NASTY vegetables.
(How bloody topical was that, eh?)
Dragons, mermaids, Eskimos – the world is full of fabled creatures that don’t really exist. But are myths only limited to flesh-and-blood creatures? No, of course not.
Since the dawn of time itself, humans have also been trading other, scarier myths – myths about vegetables. Are any of these mythical vegetables rooted in reality? As Shakespeare once wrote, “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” But, no, they’re probably not rooted in reality at all. They’re vegetables, for crying out loud.
Nevertheless, for your enjoyment, here are the four most enduring mythical vegetables on record…
1 – KOLLSKOGG THE VIKING RADISH
You may have heard of Odin and Thor, but did you know that Valhalla was also home to a number of mythical Norse vegetable-gods? Chief among these was Kollskogg, the Viking radish. Noted for his bravery and fierce swordsmanship, Kollskogg was most famed for seeing off Ranngrid and Gjamund – the Viking asparagus and the Viking iceberg lettuce respectively – after they made a power play when it was revealed that he hadn’t filled in his tax returns properly. Long live Kollskog the Viking radish!
2 – MUSHCALIET THE MEDIEVAL MUSHROOM
Long ago, stories were told of a mythical vegetable creature that had the body of a mushroom, the tail of a squirrel, the ears of a rabbit, the teeth of a pensioner and the eyes of an angry alcoholic. Mushcaliet was its name, and it was said to be so hot to the touch that it burnt down any forest in which it tried to reside. Why? We don’t know why. We copied it off Wikipedia can only pass on what was passed on to us.
3 – GHOSTFACE KILLAH THE MIRASOL PEPPER
The oldest of all mythical vegetables, Ghostface Killah The Mirasol Pepper was first depicted in a cave painting in Lascaux, France thought to be over 16,000 years old. In the painting, Ghostface Killah The Mirasol Pepper looms large over a gang of hunters, screaming the lyrics to Whip You With A Strap and shooting laserbeams out of his eyes. However, all myths about Ghostface Killah The Mirasol Pepper fade into the background against stories of the even more mythical Raekwon The Chef The Beetroot, who was once seen in a cave painting kicking a shopping trolley into a parked car and running away.
4 – A LEEK ON A UNICORN
This is too terrifying for an explanation. It’s a leek on a unicorn. A LEEK ON A UNICORN!
This week is National Vegetarian Week and we wanted to do something for the vegetarians!!
We are literally spreading veggie love.
Keep your hands where we can see them, now!
This is the story of Colin and Cecelia.
They met in a chatroom for curious vegetables. Eventually, they decided to take the plunge and they met one day.
They noticed other vegetables giving them dirty looks, as it is frowned upon to associate romantically with other vegetables, particularly as Cecelia was from the Apiaceae Clan and Colin was from the Plantae Kingdom. It was all very Romeo and Juliet… fueding families and kingdoms or something.
This didnt matter to Colin and Cecelia because they were in love, just two young vegetables out on the town. Colin didn’t even care about the height difference; they were like the Jamie Cullum and Sophie Dahl of the vegetable world. Although, he did wear that ridiculous hat…
They enjoyed a happy and passionate courtship. They had romantic picnics in the park.
It wasn’t long before their vegetable instincts took over and they took things to the next level.
They were blissfully happy.
One sunny afternoon Cecelia suggested that they to go to the zoo. It was a perfect day.
They arrived at the zoo and strolled around whilst gazing at each other. Eventually they reached the petting zoo and Cecelia pleaded with Colin not to get to close to the animals, aware of the dangers. Colin wouldn’t listen, he wanted to impress his new beau and got too close to a rabbit when tragedy struck…
The rabbit mistook Colin, the living, walking carrot for a tasty snack. Cecelia watched on in horror crying for help but it was too late, Colin was gone.
Cecelia returned home, devastated by the tragic path the day took and regretted not agreeing with Colin’s suggested date of a day in the botanic gardens. That would have been considerably safer and Colin wouldn’t be dead. She felt responsible. Because she was. And Colin returned to haunt Cecelia and thus ruined the remainder of her life.
The moral of the story: Celery ruins everything.
Of all the vegetable mysteries – right up there with ‘what sick idiot invented the parsnip?’ and ‘why does sweetcorn hurt so much when you try to put it in your bottom?’ – is the everlasting conundrum of ‘why do onions make you cry?’.
We’ve all been there before. One minute you’re chopping up some onions for a lovely plate of onion tea, and the next you’re wailing and blubbering like a Jeremy Kyle pikey. But why? Some scientists say that onions make you cry because the volatile amino acid sulfoxide molecules that they absorb during their time growing underground are released upon chopping, acting as an external irritant to the lachrymal glands above our eyelids, but this is clearly false.
No. The latest research has discovered that there are actually three reasons why onions make you cry, and we’re happy to present them to you, our loyal readers, right now…
1 – SARCASM
In France, the onion is known as le peu sarcastique salaud, or ‘the sarcastic little bastard’. Widely regarded as the most sarcastic of all the vegetables, the onion will often launch a volley of withering abuse at the person about to eat it, without any real regard for their feelings. Usually we’re able to deflect the onion’s outbursts, but sometimes if we’re having a particularly bad day – say, a bus splashes us with a puddle or midget tries to stab us – then the onion’s hurtful remarks will get to us and we’ll start to cry. This is also the reason why the French can usually be seen with onions around their necks. The vegetables act as a constant reminder of their status as second-class citizens.
2 – GUILT
All vegetables are renowned for their self-pity, but the onion is the worst offender. Try chopping an onion and it’ll usually remind you, in heartbreaking detail, of all the dire consequences that’ll happen to its family after it dies. The guilt that these pleas initiate are usually enough to make any chef burst into tears at the futility of it all and the barbarity of the human race. Carrots try a similar trick. But why don’t you cry when you chop a carrot? Because all carrots are wankers, that’s why.
3 – THEIR SMELLY FARTS
Sometimes onions fart. And the farts smell like shit.
We hope you have found this scientific explanation enlightening. If you’ve stumbled across this website because you’re a child studying why onions make you cry for your homework, then copy all of this down. All of it is true. Especially the bit about carrots being wankers.
Ireland 1845: Millions lived in abject poverty- a shanty town just outside Dublin (Now known as Maynooth).
Irish peasants subsided exclusively on a diet of potatoes, potatoes for breakfast and potatoes for supper. Nothing for lunch- these people were peasants.
There were other crops of course, but these were seen as being more valuable and were exported to Britain in exchange for bibles and anglicised names for the likes of Seamus, Sean and Diarmuid.
It was all about the potatoes. The tenacious tubers could grow and flourish in almost any soil type and people had grown to depend on them.
Then the inevitable happened.
The potatoes got pissed off. Like a typical Irish mammy, they were being taken for granted. They refused to stand for it. The underground network of eyes and ears was born.
Potatoes of all shapes and sizes banded together, kerr pinks, queens and roosters fought side by side. The tattie terrors concocted a plan that was both heinous and horrible. Even the most bloodthirsty of vegetables; the cabbage baulked at the idea.
But the potatoes would not be pacified.
A group of spud separatists set about creating a virus that would rot every root vegetable it touched. The B.L.I.G.H.T movement was born. (Be Less Inclined to Gorge Heavily on Tatties).
We all know what happened next. History glosses over the role played by potatoes in all of this but I am here today to set the record straight.
And to issue a warning. Don’t listen to the propaganda.
Potatoes are still out there. Don’t forget what they’re capable of.
By P O’Tatoe.
Today we are taking a look at the phenomenon of vegetables which appear to have images in them, sometimes religious figures appear but we figured that was boring, what with Jesus faking his own death a few days ago. We thought we’d focus on the real gods of today, celebrities!
This lovely picture of a tomato was sent to us by Julie in London who thinks that she sees famous rocker Ozzy Osbourne in the tomoato and we have to agree! Isn’t that wonderful?
Peter in Berlin sent us this picture of some sliced potatoes and look! Bruce Willis!! What is he doing on a sliced potato??! Fantastic.
Wayne in Chicago sent us this (rather sticky) picture of a cucumber with Salma Hayek in it! How amazing.
Hi, I’m that berk from BBC2’s informative series Grow Your Own Drugs. I’ve temporarily forgotten what my name is. Sorry.
I want people to know just how easy, fun and cost-effective it can be to make your own natural remedies from the plants growing all around us. I’m not a doctor and can’t claim to have any real medical knowledge whatsoever, but a mysterious wizard once gave me a handful of magic beans when I was on the cusp of puberty and – roughly six months later – I started to develop hair on my armpits and testicles. Coincidence? No.
Anyway, through my show Grow Your Own Drugs I’ve discovered that some of the active ingredients commonly found in artichokes are exactly the same active ingredients you’d find in a normal pair of prescription reading glasses that you could expect to spend up to £200 on. So here’s my easy and natural solution to curing short-sightedness with artichokes.
YOU WILL NEED:
An artichoke.
STEP ONE:
Push the artichoke into your eye.
STEP TWO:
Keep pushing. Push the artichoke all the way into your eye until only there’s only about half an inch of artichoke stem poking out of the bleeding hole where your eye used to be.
And that’s it! Voila, you’ve got perfect vision!
Now, remember, this isn’t a clinical trial. You shouldn’t push an entire artichoke into your eye if you’re elderly, diabetic, married, ginger, under the age of four, allergic to beestings, homosexual, a member of parliament, university educated or Nicky Campbell from TV’s Watchdog.
Similarly, although one drunk homeless man might have told me after payment that pushing an artichoke through his eye socket and up against the inside of the back of his skull did make his eyesight better, other guinea pigs have mentioned that their vision remained the same after trying my remedy, with a few more suggesting that their vision had got considerably worse, another developing severe epilepsy and four more dying instantly.
But remember, I’m not a a doctor. I’m an ethnobotanist. I think. I’m not sure if ethnobotany is even a thing now I come to mention it. There’s a good chance that I might have just made it up, actually.
Anyway, push an artichoke into your eye. Bye!
Everyone loves a nice big baked potato, don’t they? Sadly, they do this not knowing that baked potatoes are all POTENTIAL DEATH TRAPS.
For instance, did you know that if you eat eight or nine baked potatoes in a row, you’ll probably end up feeling uncomfortably sluggish? Because you will. And that if you throw a baked potato at a baby’s head, you’ll probably scare it quite a lot? Because, again, you will.
So with that in mind, the We Love Vegetables boffins have designed a meal with all the taste of a baked potato, but less of the unpleasant heft. Ladies and gentlemen, we give to you the Baked Pea – a delicious dish that’s bound to turn heads at any dinner party.
BAKED PEA RECIPE INSTRUCTIONS
Take a frozen pea and pop it on a baking tray.
Wrap the pea in tinfoil. This will crisp the skin of the pea while keeping the insides light and fluffy.
Bake the pea in an oven preheated to the highest possible setting. For a normal-sized pea, this will take between six and seven hours. Then, remove the pea and discard the tinfoil.
Top the baked pea with anything you like. As an illustration, we’ve used grated cheese.
Now sit down and enjoy this delicious baked pea treat.
DELICIOUS!
Ever worried that your home smells like sweet fruit and flowers?? Worry no more because We Love Vegetables have found the solution to getting rid of the disgusting odours in your home!
We have developed and simple and cost effective way of filling your home with the beautiful smell of potatoes! Pot(ato) Pourri is a revolutionary new concept, using potatoes in a way they have never been used before. No more will you need to stuff pieces of potato up your nose to abolish the smells of disgusting household fragrances like clean clothes or cooked food.
All you need is;
- Some potatoes (we have used salad potatoes here but you can use whatever is stocked in your local greengrocer/supermarket)
- Put the potatoes in a bowl and enjoy the beautiful aroma. Mmm, starchy.
- Place the bowl in a place where offensive smells linger.
Pot(ato) Pourri is an attractive, quick and environmentally friendly solution to disgusting smells in your house!
